Depression delights

Maybe it was my husband’s near-fatal heart condition (http://lindaroggli NULL.blogspot NULL.com/2007/03/nailing-down-cloud NULL.html ) three years ago. Maybe it was the cease-and-desist order for GardenSpirit (my dream come true retreat house) (http://gardenspirit NULL.com) last year, which is forcing me to jump through extremely bureaucratic hoops (can you spell R-E-D T-A-P-E?). Maybe it was my parents moving into assisted living this week with virtually no notice. Maybe it was the failed project to redirect water away from my front yard that culminated in an ugly gash 4 feet wide and 200 feet long. Maybe was my dear Sheltie painfully hobbling toward an inevitable end. Maybe.
 
Or maybe, under a constant attack of stress, my brain reverted to its genetic predisposition. Depression.
 
Ugh. I really hate that word. And it seems to have descended on me despite my best efforts to 1) ignore it 2) pretend I was far too ‘healthy’ to fall victim to it and 3) work like a madwoman to outrun it. But thanks to my new psychiatrist, I am starting to view depression in a different light.
 
It is really unfortunate that we use the word ‘depression’ because it sounds like you are sad. That’s not what depression is,Dr. Ware (http://www NULL.chapelhillpa NULL.com/providers NULL.htm) told me yesterday. “It’s more like the frontal lobe of the brain goes dark.”
 
Frontal lobe? Hey, isn’t that an ADHD issue? Isn’t that all about executive function and planning and impulse control? Hmmm, could they possibly be related? Well yes. And no.
 
Depression isn’t ADHD. I was pretty angry when I found out I had ADHD because depression and ADHD in women are often confused. Even after I learned that ADHD often has a sidecar disorder along for the ride (like depression, bipolar, obsessive-compulsive), I was mad at all those doctors who had misdiagnosed me. I decided I’d probably never been depressed at all. It had been the ADHD all along, right?
 
Uh, probably not. Dr. Ware reminded me that signs of depression include lack of concentration, distractibility, trouble with focus. Huh. Sounds a lot like my good friends Inattention and Distraction, who pop up in a diagnosis of ADHD.
 
I suspect that for me, depression and ADHD take turns at the helm. One is in the driver’s seat while the other rides in the sidecar, then they switch places. Since it has been years since I was really depressed, I blithely decided that it would never return. Ever. WRONG.
 
Many of you wondered why I chose to stop taking my Adderall, especially when it had served me so well in the past. What I now realize is that the Adderall was keeping me afloat, squishing that depression into a corner so I could get something DONE (my favorite four letter word, remember?).
 
It was actually a miracle/stroke of genius/blessing that I stopped taking my Adderall because it peeled back the covers to reveal a more basic issue that I probably wouldn't have noticed otherwise. When Dr. Ware told me that  depression actually causes cell death in the brain (which is repairable, thank goodness) I suddenly understood why I’ve been struggling with even basic tasks (but embarrassed to admit it).
 
I have lots more to say about this but I know the ADD brain prefers short, sweet articles, so I’ll stop here for today. Stay tuned …
 
Oh, and my treatment plan includes being consistent with my antidepressant, fish oil, exercise and folic acid….tantalized???? Come back tomorrow for more….
 
(But first, tell me about your experience with depression…were you ever diagnosed with depression before your ADHD diagnosis? After? Talk to me!)

Mood changes

Is it just me or is the world more moody these days?

Oh yeah. It's me.

I don't know what's going on with me and have been reluctant to share it with you since I try hard to stay upbeat. But darn it, I just can't seem to get it together right now. I forget things. I snap at people I love. I overreact.

I suppose you could point to my Adderall "vacation" as the cause, but it was happening even before that. In fact, that was one of the reasons I actually TOOK a vacation from stimulants (helped along by new information from Tracy Ware).

I just don't feel like "me" right now. Everything seems to bring out the worst in me. I am not happy with this person I have reverted to (yes there was a dark time that I was this person almost all the time – yuck).

In between, I managed to turn a big corner: I was in touch with my own wisdom. I could trust my intuition (and did). And now it's like a delicious dream from which I have awakened. I want to go back to sleep again. I want the "good Linda" back again (sigh).

Well, what's the lesson here? That life isn't all a bowl of cherries? That I don't have it all "together?" That it's pretty normal to ebb and flow with moods and wisdom and intuition and the rest of it? Probably.

What I do know is that it will return – that elusive sense of well being. I know it. I've tasted it, lived it, steeped in it. And I will again. But right now, I just wanna crawl into a little ball and cry. I might just do it. Tears are cathartic for me.

Oh, wait, I have to go to a birthday party in 10 minutes!. Maybe the storm can wait a bit,,, Pictures from the Big Birthday coming up next.

Lilly is ONE YEAR OLD?

Can I actually have a granddaughter that will be one year old on Tuesday? How did I get this old? How did SHE get this old? And so quickly, too. We leave in the morning for Ohio. Taking along the puppy I am fostering for Triangle Sheltie Rescue.

The puppy has been a little ray of sunshine in my life, except for the erratic accidents on my throw rugs. I have never washed so many rugs in my life!

It's been 15 years since I have raised a puppy. And it's been 30 years since I had a baby in my house. It's different. Maybe serendipitous that both happened about the same time.

Lilly is such a happy little girl. Her smiles light up the world.

The puppy (whom we temporarily names Milli because she is so tiny like a millimeter or a millisecond) lights up other people's worlds. They adore how sweet she is when I take her out on a walk or to PetSmart.

A bit nervous about heading into my ex-husband's "territory." It was after we moved to Ohio (yeah, like two days after we moved!) that he asked for a divorce. It wasn't pretty. And it wasn't the first time he'd done it either. Yep, we got married and divorced twice. The second time worked. We found better matches elsewhere.

But when you have kids, divorce doesn't mean "I'll never see you again." It may mean "I don't WANT to see you," but the first grandbaby … well, all that old stuff  disappears temporarily. At least I hope so.

Anyway, I am sitting here letting my hair get back to its original color (OK I know I am not supposed to say that out loud) while the puppy sleeps and I catch up on a few blog posts.

Back on Wednesday – wish me luck with the puppy, the ex, the baby and the rest of the relatives!

Million dollar ideas

I read somewhere that all of us come up with million-dollar ideas every week, perhaps even every day (for ADDivas like us, it might be as often as hourly!).

But we seldom ACT on those ideas, for a variety of reasons: lack of time, self doubt, fear of failure.

When I have those ideas (quite often), I am sure I will remember them later but — my ADD brain conveniently forgets them almost instantly. I usually have some growling hint that I had a brilliant idea but no memory as to the substance of the idea itself!

So…I propose that we use this space as a catch-all for our million dollar ideas. Even if we don't have time to work on them right now, at least they are captured and we can go back to see them again.

One caveat: if you see a Million Dollar Idea that speaks to you, please check with the person who submitted it. In other words, no stealing THEIR good idea and making it your own unless the originator gives you permission. This will be a place of creativity and ideas, not a mudfight, OK?

I am creating a separate category for Million Dollar Ideas (under ADDiva Entrepreneurs); and I will kick off the parade with my first idea….check it out!

Three weeks without Adderall

OK, it's been three weeks since my last Adderall and I am reporting on the effects (or lack of them).

For the first few days, I found myself on autopilot, reaching for the pill case that contained my little blue "energy pills." But I steeled myself against taking them and let the ride wind down. I thought after a week, I'd evaluate my energy and focus, then decide whether to resume my meds…or not.

Well, Tracy Ware, the psychiatrist who spoke at the Meetup group (http://www NULL.meetup NULL.com/Triangle-Adult-ADHD/)two days after I stopped taking Adderall, scared the beejeezus out of me – her warnings about neurotoxicity seemed to be based in science. And I don't want fewer Dopamine receptor sites – I want MORE. Now the jury is still out on the overall effects of amphetamines, but why tempt fate?

Tracy told me privately that the Adderall would stay in my system for at least a month. A MONTH? She said that the second week would likely be worse than the first week. Hmmm .. this sounded a lot like detox, right? I didn't think of myself as an addict. Not ever. This was prescription medication. And I took only a tiny amount (max 2-3 pills a day of short acting 10 mg brand name Adderall).

But sure enough, the second week, I was draggy and had a hard time staying alert. Mostly, I was sleepy.

I found that if I got enough sleep at night (or with naps during the day), I was OK. But if I stayed up too late, got up too early or shorted my required 8 hours of sleep in some other way, I was blah. Just blah.

Couldn't get things done. Couldn't get motivated. Couldn't get going.

But here's the strange thing: I have been living in a mess in my bonus room/guest room for two years now. I am not proud of it. I am terribly embarrassed by it. But it's true.

Last week (third week off Adderall), I got the darned room cleaned up. Granted, I had motivation (my kids were coming to spend the weekend with darling little Lilly). And I had help (Erica the super organizer (http://www NULL.getalifeinc NULL.net/) came on Thursday morning and Janine the super housekeeper cleaned the rest of the house).

But I've had help before.
I've had motivation before.
But this is the first time I actually DID something about it.

Not only did we get the room cleaned, I bought a new bed, new curtains, new lamps and redecorated the room with a new duvet cover, pillows, mirrors and ceiling fan before they arrived! (Yes I had someone install the fan and hang the mirrors – is that cheating? Nope).

Point is that I am still tired/sleepy, but I seem to be getting things done anyway.
I am clearer about what I want and need done.
And I am pretty happy about it.

Is this an aberration?
Is it related to the absent Adderall?

Not a clue, have I.

But we're gonna find out.
In 10 days, I am going to go back on Adderall and monitor myself closely to see how I feel, what I accomplish and how my loved ones respond to the difference (if there is a difference).

In the meantime, I am taking more naps, trying to get to bed on time (what IS on time anyway?) and working in my garden for the first time in months.

Does Ritalin make you smarter?


Watch CBS News Videos Online (http://www NULL.cbsnews NULL.com)

 

Last night's broadcast of 60 Minutes (CBS) confirmed my worst nightmares: that ADHD meds will become so popular they will be treated as "brain candy" instead of as a medical necessity for people with brains like ours.

College students agreed that pill popping is rampant on campus, especially with  stimulants like Adderall and Ritalin. They take them to stay up late studying; they take them to finish papers; they take them to focus on tests.

Apparently the stimulants are prescribed for truck drivers who are on the road for hours; and even doctors who work double shifts. But hey, back in my college days, didn't we do the same thing? Except the drug of choice then was No-Doz, 200 mg of caffeine concentrated in little white pills.

I went online to see if NoDoz was still around. Yep, it's still sold and it's a lot cheaper than Adderall or Ritalin. College students said Ritalin was selling for $3-$5 per pill. A bottle of 60 NoDoz costs only $9 online. Free shipping, too..

My fear is not that college students will get hooked on Adderall. My fear is that Adderall and its ilk will become so commonplace that their legitimacy as treatment for ADHD will be diminished, dismissed or even discarded.

The non-ADHD students interviewed by Katie Couric said they could focus better, they could read fine details even about uninteresting information. That's sure not what they do for the ADHD brain. I have clients who take their ADHD meds faithfully but still can't keep their attention on the chapter or the math problem or the To Do list. The pills help us pay attention; but sometimes we veer off into worlds of focus that have nothing to do with the original task.

So, let's be clear here. Just because everybody can take stimulants and gain some focus, it doesn't mean that ADHD isn't a valid diagnosis. We're out here. We still need our meds. And even if we forget to take a few each month, we shouldn't be sharing them (and especially not selling them) to all of the rest of you out there.

I guess it makes the drug companies happy. I guess students are happy and perhaps their professors.

I'm not so happy.

The littlest ADDiva

My son Gregory called tonight and said three words that warm a grandma's heart: "Get on Skype!"

And so I did. And Lilly Jean was cooing and cackling and grabbing and crawling and…I can't help it. I'm just fascinated by her. Such a personable little gal, not afraid to show her personality or ask for what she wants (and let's face it, what she wants often is food, sleep or freedom to roam).

She's so uninhibited and fresh, I admit it puts my whimsical side to shame. She has no compunction about spitting out food she doesn't like. She doesn't censor the expressions on her little face if something is too sour or chewy. She wrinkles that young brow and sticks out her tongue – yuck! She gets rid of it!

I'm sure I did the same thing before I was "socialized" to be polite and swallow the offending food anyway, or use a spoon to discreetly remove it and hide it under a lettuce leaf on the salad plate.

I think it's time to take a lesson from the little Lillykins: tell the truth about what you don't like (and what you do)! For me, those dislikes include shirts with scratchy tags in the bag (cut them OUT right now!), waiting in line at the grocery store (what a WASTE of time!) and being forced to work inside when the sun is shining outside (I wanna garden, mommie!).

But on the plus side…I really love that little Lillykins!

Stimulating everybody’s brain?

Recently, I heard a doctor tell a TV audience that stimulants like Ritalin and Adderall improve focus for ANYBODY, not just people with Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder. His point was that a positive response to stimulant medication is not proof of an ADHD diagnosis.

Wait a minute. When I first tried stimulants they put me to sleep! It was the first thing that convinced me that I really had ADHD. I'd heard that people with ADHD have a "paradoxical response" to medication, so if I was sleepy after I took Dextrostat, I must have an ADD brain.

I later learned that I had misinterpreted that information. Stimulants don't really have an opposite effect on ADHD brains. Instead, they realign the dance of specific neurotransmitters so the neurotransmitters can hit their mark in the neuron network. I fell asleep when I took Dextrostat (100% dextroamphetamine) because it was the wrong medication for my particular brain chemistry. Adderall (a combination of four different amphetamine salts including dextroamphetamine) worked wonders for me – no midday naps, much more focus.

The TV doctor was reacting to news that some college students swallow stimulant tablets before exams to improve their competitive edge. No word on whether the stimulants actually boosted the students' test scores, but the doctor implied that the groundswell of adult ADHD diagnoses was based more on requests for stimulants than legitimate medical testing.

This kind of pseudo-medical nonsense makes me mad. It took me a long, long time to believe that my ADHD diagnosis was accurate. Now I realized I was deeply  influenced by the skepticism of the media, the public and even the medical community about the legitimacy of ADHD. There was the pharmaceutical conspiracy theory: Big Pharma had concocted ADHD to boost their profitability. Adult ADHD was trivialized: only children could suffer from this silly little disorder so if you "still" have ADHD you must be immature. There was stigma attached to having something "wrong" with your brain: ADHD people are to be shunned or at least marginalized. No wonder I wanted nothing to do with any of it.

But here I am, broadcasting my ADHD story to anyone who stumbles across this blog. Obviously, I've come to terms with my ADHD. I know it's legit, that I am not a hypochondriac and that I certainly would never choose to take powerful medication if it wasn't necessary.

It's my responsibility – and yours, if you or someone you love has been diagnosed with ADHD – to combat the misinformation that masquerades as truth.

Do some of today's college students take stimulants before exams? You bet. Just like some college students took No-Dose when I was in college in the 1970s. And just like mega doses of caffeine, stimulants send those little neurotransmitters into hyperdrive in "normal" brains, creating frenzy instead of focus

Does it mean that adult ADHD is over-diagnosed? Nope. In fact, it is dramatically under-diagnosed; estimates show that only 10% of adults with ADHD are actually diagnosed and treated. Mark my words: in the next few years, we will see dramatic increase in the number of adults who are newly diagnosed with ADHD.

There will be a tipping point, a place at which an ADHD diagnosis carries no emotional baggage. It will merely be a condition to be treated, much like Type 1 diabetes or kidney disease. And then we can get on with the rest of our amazing and extraordinary lives.

Stimulating everybody's brain?

Recently, I heard a doctor tell a TV audience that stimulants like Ritalin and Adderall improve focus for ANYBODY, not just people with Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder. His point was that a positive response to stimulant medication is not proof of an ADHD diagnosis.

Wait a minute. When I first tried stimulants they put me to sleep! It was the first thing that convinced me that I really had ADHD. I'd heard that people with ADHD have a "paradoxical response" to medication, so if I was sleepy after I took Dextrostat, I must have an ADD brain.

I later learned that I had misinterpreted that information. Stimulants don't really have an opposite effect on ADHD brains. Instead, they realign the dance of specific neurotransmitters so the neurotransmitters can hit their mark in the neuron network. I fell asleep when I took Dextrostat (100% dextroamphetamine) because it was the wrong medication for my particular brain chemistry. Adderall (a combination of four different amphetamine salts including dextroamphetamine) worked wonders for me – no midday naps, much more focus.

The TV doctor was reacting to news that some college students swallow stimulant tablets before exams to improve their competitive edge. No word on whether the stimulants actually boosted the students' test scores, but the doctor implied that the groundswell of adult ADHD diagnoses was based more on requests for stimulants than legitimate medical testing.

This kind of pseudo-medical nonsense makes me mad. It took me a long, long time to believe that my ADHD diagnosis was accurate. Now I realized I was deeply  influenced by the skepticism of the media, the public and even the medical community about the legitimacy of ADHD. There was the pharmaceutical conspiracy theory: Big Pharma had concocted ADHD to boost their profitability. Adult ADHD was trivialized: only children could suffer from this silly little disorder so if you "still" have ADHD you must be immature. There was stigma attached to having something "wrong" with your brain: ADHD people are to be shunned or at least marginalized. No wonder I wanted nothing to do with any of it.

But here I am, broadcasting my ADHD story to anyone who stumbles across this blog. Obviously, I've come to terms with my ADHD. I know it's legit, that I am not a hypochondriac and that I certainly would never choose to take powerful medication if it wasn't necessary.

It's my responsibility – and yours, if you or someone you love has been diagnosed with ADHD – to combat the misinformation that masquerades as truth.

Do some of today's college students take stimulants before exams? You bet. Just like some college students took No-Dose when I was in college in the 1970s. And just like mega doses of caffeine, stimulants send those little neurotransmitters into hyperdrive in "normal" brains, creating frenzy instead of focus

Does it mean that adult ADHD is over-diagnosed? Nope. In fact, it is dramatically under-diagnosed; estimates show that only 10% of adults with ADHD are actually diagnosed and treated. Mark my words: in the next few years, we will see dramatic increase in the number of adults who are newly diagnosed with ADHD.

There will be a tipping point, a place at which an ADHD diagnosis carries no emotional baggage. It will merely be a condition to be treated, much like Type 1 diabetes or kidney disease. And then we can get on with the rest of our amazing and extraordinary lives.

Does your iPad need the protection of an iMaxi with wings?

imaxi for ipad (http://www NULL.etsy NULL.com/view_listing NULL.php?ref=vl_other_1&listing_id=41828578)

The iMaxi (with wings) for the new iPad:

 

Ok, proof positive that my procrastination has cost me yet another post:

What I wrote in November, 2009 (but failed to post):

"As a self-professed (but absolutely legitimate) techno-gadget-creative aficionado I am constantly distracted by tantalizing online reports of new inventions that will make my life (and yours) easier, simpler and less chaotic.

My experience over the years is that not all neat-o new products actually ACHIEVE that goal. Sometimes (OK, often) the new gadgets take more time to learn and use than the original task they were designed to "improve." 

I have an electronic graveyard of those useless products (sigh). Wish I hadn’t wasted the money … But when I hear renewed rumors of an Apple notebook (code name: Slate) that will likely be released in January 2010, my little kid excitement kicks in again.

Think about it: a smaller computer with a touch screen that goes with you everywhere (yes put a FOFA on it so you don’t lose it!), that has all your phone numbers and addresses, all your important documents, has internet access…. Oh. That’s already been done. The iPhone, Blackberry, et al have changed the way we handle data. But there’s a price.

Do you really LIKE using a keyboard that’s half the size of a Post-It? Maybe your fingers are skinnier than mine but I keep making typos, even in text messages (which I rarely use….waaay too much traffic for me, ala Twitter).

The new Slate will have a screen that is 7 times larger than my current (and lovely) iPhone. It will have built in wireless access and perhaps a Kindle-like bookshelf….."

Update on March 12, 2010

The Slate has morphed into the iPad. The iPad has been released for pre-order (yes, I did order one…my birthday present to me). And now the iMaxi with wings has been created to protect the iPad like, well, a soft pad.

This one is kinda gross, kinda funny. The alternate one (with a blood red lining) is just plain gross. I am torn. Is this cute or insulting? Would I put an iPad in an iMaxi with wings? Uh, I’m not sure. I have several weeks to figure it out.

But in case you’re ready, check out Hip Handmaid on Etsy. (http://www NULL.etsy NULL.com/view_listing NULL.php?ref=vl_other_1&listing_id=41828578)