Do you have “control issues?”

Posted on October 22, 2011 by Linda

I do. Off and on.

Back in the bad old days when I was seeing therapists right and left to figure out what was "wrong" with me, I was told repeatedly that I was "too controlling."

Well, I'm feeling pretty controlling right now, too. But it's all about feeling so OUT of control on the inside. And that's all about my ADHD.

Can we be honest, here? I don't like being "controlling." It takes a huge amount of energy. I constantly have to monitor what's going on outside so I can respond appropriately on the inside which then comes out for the world to see. Oooh. That didn't make sense, did it? Let me try again.

When something happens "out there," I don't trust my natural instincts for a response. My natural instincts have gotten me in a lot of trouble over the years. I've flashed back in anger. I've clouded up in pain. I've been a little too honest. The reaction from the "other side" to my honest reaction has been, shall we say, less than positive.

As I reported in my book ("Confessions of an ADDiva"), I learned to hide myself and my instinctive responses. Which took even more energy and focus I really didn't have.

The good news? Light at the end of the tunnel? Other cliches? I finally let myself breathe and be ME. I gradually stripped away the thick public personna I had layered to hide my inappropriate outbursts. I backpaddled through the inappropriate outbursts and faced the "triggering events" that elicited them. Even more impressive, I drilled through to my wounded soft underbelly that had endured the whips of criticism and self doubt.

And there, in the nicked and scabbed and bleeding underbelly, I began to love myself again (for the first time?). I realized that those wounds were real. They weren't silly or dismissive. They were real to me. And most important they weren't to be ignored. So I got out the iodine and mercurichome (now that really says something about my age...) and Neosporin and Wound Managmement BandAids and started healing those many cuts and scrapes and dents and injuries.

They aren't all gone, of course. Some are deep and need more care. And sometimes I revert to my old reactions, especially when I am under a lot of stress. Like now.

With Boomer's sudden death, ADHD Awareness Week, the ADDiva Retreat, family beach time, reservations for next year's retreat, webinars, the upcoming ADDA Board retreat, a new dog in the house, unpacking from being away for two weeks, the upcoming CHADD conference, publication of "Let's Fix It" for the conference, a new diet attempt, guilt over not exercising, a husband who is angry about a particularly vicious deposition next week and the guilt over not enjoying these glorious late fall days and nights...yeah, you could say I am a bit overstressed. And I think I have forgotten a bunch of things on the list.

So my "control issues" crept back in. Today, I pledge to revisit my original solution. Walk backwards through the control, through my overreaction, through my worry about what people think of me, through the pain of losing Boomer and a million other worries and back to myself. Me. Alone.

I will take a breath. I will take a walk. I will allow myself some solitude and some tears. I will write about it (starting here and now) and languish, doing nothing for a while. I need to rebuild my strength again. I need some time. Even when I am in a hurry. I need some time.

And then, maybe, just maybe, I will be loose and easy and feeling fine again.

Excuse me - OMG, I just realized that I missed a deadline for writing a story for a magazine. Breathe, Linda, breathe. It's OK.

Depression delights

Posted on July 3, 2010 by Linda

Maybe it was my husband’s near-fatal heart condition (http://lindaroggli NULL.blogspot NULL.com/2007/03/nailing-down-cloud NULL.html ) three years ago. Maybe it was the cease-and-desist order for GardenSpirit (my dream come true retreat house) (http://gardenspirit NULL.com) last year, which is forcing me to jump through extremely bureaucratic hoops (can you spell R-E-D T-A-P-E?). Maybe it was my parents moving into assisted living this week with virtually no notice. Maybe it was the failed project to redirect water away from my front yard that culminated in an ugly gash 4 feet wide and 200 feet long. Maybe was my dear Sheltie painfully hobbling toward an inevitable end. Maybe.

Or maybe, under a constant attack of stress, my brain reverted to its genetic predisposition. Depression.

Ugh. I really hate that word. And it seems to have descended on me despite my best efforts to 1) ignore it 2) pretend I was far too ‘healthy’ to fall victim to it and 3) work like a madwoman to outrun it. But thanks to my new psychiatrist, I am starting to view depression in a different light.

“It is really unfortunate that we use the word ‘depression’ because it sounds like you are sad. That’s not what depression is,” Dr. Ware (http://www NULL.chapelhillpa NULL.com/providers NULL.htm) told me yesterday. “It’s more like the frontal lobe of the brain goes dark.”

Frontal lobe? Hey, isn’t that an ADHD issue? Isn’t that all about executive function and planning and impulse control? Hmmm, could they possibly be related? Well yes. And no.

Depression isn’t ADHD. I was pretty angry when I found out I had ADHD because depression and ADHD in women are often confused. Even after I learned that ADHD often has a sidecar disorder along for the ride (like depression, bipolar, obsessive-compulsive), I was mad at all those doctors who had misdiagnosed me. I decided I’d probably never been depressed at all. It had been the ADHD all along, right?

Uh, probably not. Dr. Ware reminded me that signs of depression include lack of concentration, distractibility, trouble with focus. Huh. Sounds a lot like my good friends Inattention and Distraction, who pop up in a diagnosis of ADHD.

I suspect that for me, depression and ADHD take turns at the helm. One is in the driver’s seat while the other rides in the sidecar, then they switch places. Since it has been years since I was really depressed, I blithely decided that it would never return. Ever. WRONG.

Many of you wondered why I chose to stop taking my Adderall, especially when it had served me so well in the past. What I now realize is that the Adderall was keeping me afloat, squishing that depression into a corner so I could get something DONE (my favorite four letter word, remember?).

It was actually a miracle/stroke of genius/blessing that I stopped taking my Adderall because it peeled back the covers to reveal a more basic issue that I probably wouldn't have noticed otherwise. When Dr. Ware told me that depression actually causes cell death in the brain (which is repairable, thank goodness) I suddenly understood why I’ve been struggling with even basic tasks (but embarrassed to admit it).

I have lots more to say about this but I know the ADD brain prefers short, sweet articles, so I’ll stop here for today. Stay tuned …

Oh, and my treatment plan includes being consistent with my antidepressant, fish oil, exercise and folic acid….tantalized???? Come back tomorrow for more….

(But first, tell me about your experience with depression…were you ever diagnosed with depression before your ADHD diagnosis? After? Talk to me!)

Mood changes

Posted on June 27, 2010 by Linda

Is it just me or is the world more moody these days?

Oh yeah. It's me.

I don't know what's going on with me and have been reluctant to share it with you since I try hard to stay upbeat. But darn it, I just can't seem to get it together right now. I forget things. I snap at people I love. I overreact.

I suppose you could point to my Adderall "vacation" as the cause, but it was happening even before that. In fact, that was one of the reasons I actually TOOK a vacation from stimulants (helped along by new information from Tracy Ware).

I just don't feel like "me" right now. Everything seems to bring out the worst in me. I am not happy with this person I have reverted to (yes there was a dark time that I was this person almost all the time – yuck).

In between, I managed to turn a big corner: I was in touch with my own wisdom. I could trust my intuition (and did). And now it's like a delicious dream from which I have awakened. I want to go back to sleep again. I want the "good Linda" back again (sigh).

Well, what's the lesson here? That life isn't all a bowl of cherries? That I don't have it all "together?" That it's pretty normal to ebb and flow with moods and wisdom and intuition and the rest of it? Probably.

What I do know is that it will return – that elusive sense of well being. I know it. I've tasted it, lived it, steeped in it. And I will again. But right now, I just wanna crawl into a little ball and cry. I might just do it. Tears are cathartic for me.

Oh, wait, I have to go to a birthday party in 10 minutes!. Maybe the storm can wait a bit,,, Pictures from the Big Birthday coming up next.

Telling the truth is embarrassing

Posted on May 3, 2010 by Linda

It's Monday night and I'm still sniffing — cried a lot after huge fight with the internet, my (forner) webinar service and an embarrassingly public admission of "I'm just not really that together after all." Darn it.

Sometimes, when I least expect it, I fall apart. It's awful to let people see my soft underbelly (although frankly as I get older, it's been getting softer anyway!). But you know what I mean — there's a part of me that wants to have all the right answers, lots of confidence and boundless energy.

And then it gives out. Big time. Like tonight. When everything falls apart and I know it's all a huge fantasy. I am humiliated in front of the very people I care about most … the ADDivas of this world. I cried. In frustration. And anger. And hopelessness. Things look bleak.

But actually, there was more to it than just a screwy webinar. Let me back up a bit. Actually, let me complain a little, OK?

It starts with GardenSpirit, my women's retreat house (http://gardenspirit NULL.com) in North Carolina. The house sits kitty-corner behind my house and has been the manifestation of my dream – to create a place for women to congregate, come home to their deepest, truest selves and regain a sense of connection to the world, the universe, divinity.

With Victor's financial backing and 100% enthusiasm, we bought the property in 2006, renovated it to a quite feminine level (lots of purple) and opened for the first retreat for New Year's 2007.

I had done a bit of research about retreats and learned that, in NC, a retreat center would be considered a "summer camp." Ack, that sounded like a bunch of kids running around, making lots of noise. Not my intention — I wanted a spiritual renewal retreat for adults women. But if the neighbors heard that I was running a "summer camp" there, they'd probably kill me…or get me shut down.

Well, last year, through a simple fluke, I got shut down anyway, The county planning department and then the health department said "cease and desist." So I haven't had any retreats there in more than a year. I have had people stay who didn't pay anything (which you can do with a private home — why not?) and I have meetings for our adult support group – also without paying. But no retreats for couples or women or ADDivas.

Before we could start jumping through all those governmental hoops, we needed to buy the vacant lot that adjoined GardenSpirit. Part of the driveway was actually on THAT property. So we negotiated a fair price and bought the property in October of last year.

Then it was time to plow through the reams of rules and regulations that came along with becoming an official retreat center. Fortunately, my house is in a planning zone that allows for a retreat house/conference center. But that was the only good newsFor instance, the hot tub on the back deck — the absolute first thing I bought for the retreat house – is now considered a swimming pool. It has to be fenced with fencing that is at least 48 inches tall and with a five foot high locking gate that opens only to the outside. The spacing between the rails (or whatever you call those upright things) can be no more than 4 inches — the inspector actually uses a ball that is 4 inches in diameter to determine whether your fence meets the standards … or not.

Are you getting a sense of how frustrating this is for my ADD brain?????

Anyway, things in the South sometimes move at the speed of molasses. The land surveyor I hired spent five months on a 2 week job, slowing down the entire process to a crawl. Then the engineer I hired refused to call me back, even though he claimed he would call me "at 1 pm." After 9 weeks of waiting, I fired him without even seeing him. Who knows where that guy is or what he's doing….

I hired someone else, who actually jumped in and WORKED. But he read the rules even more strictly than I did…and planned a huge ugly circular driveway to accommodate the fire engines — which apparently do not like to make a three-point turn in the old driveway. ACK.. there goes my garden ambiance. Fortunately, the Fire Marshall disagreed and we were able to save some trees.

Now I am up in the air with the architect who wants to put a 40 foot ramp in the front of the house to accommodate a wheelchair…or to lower the entire second level. This sounds soooo expensive I may never be able to open GardenSpirit again.

Are you getting a sense of how depressing this is for my ADD brain?

Then, a home inspector-turned-energy-consultant found mold in the basement of MY house. That's where my office is, by the way. We've fought this problem for years, but didn't know how bad the problem was until he yanked the drywall off the basement walls…it's bad.

The fix? Dig out all my plants, tear out the dirt to a depth of 10 feet (about 8 feet wide, which destroys my entire landscaped yard) and re-waterproof the exterior walls of my house.

Are you getting a sense of how expensive this is going to be?

Oh, I can't go on like this. You don't need to know all this stuff. You don't need to know that the new web editor of ADDitude magazine is driving me wild by demanding that I "pitch" blog ideas to her as if I was writing for a news magazine that pays $1000 per story (ha!). Or that I forgot to book an airline ticket for my amazing and patient husband when we went to the ACO conference last weekend. Or that I confused I-90 with 190 near O'Hare Airport last night, ended up on a toll road that required exact change of 80 cents and the only change I had was three quarters. Or that I started to get online for tonight's ADDiva coaching call and found out that my mom's computer didn't have an ethernet cable, so I had to run to Staples 10 minute before the webinar started???

Are you getting a sense that my life is "out of control" as they say in 12-step meetings??

I want to keep it together. I want to be a model ADDiva. But right now, it's just not happening. Big sigh.

Maybe things will look different in the morning. But first, I have to sort out all the stuff I brought home from the conference, which is now scattered all over my dad's bedroom floor – which he vacated so I could visit.

Whew… this sounds more like whining than answers, doesn't it. And maybe that's what you get after a week like this…not inspiration, but perspiration. And I AM letting you see me sweat…

Waiting for perfection

Posted on December 15, 2009 by Linda

Here’s what I’ve noticed recently (and yes, even in the distant past):

I am trying to get it right before I put it out there in front of you.

Huh?

YOU?
The rest of the ADDiva tribe?

The people who know what it feels like to never quite "get it together?" Why would I do that?

So often I get excited about telling you things (I am talking to you all the time in my head, dear friends). But then my darned perfectionistic brain kicks in:

"But I haven’t told them the background of the story and that will take a long time to write. And I want it to be pithy and grammatically correct and meaningful. And interesting. And maybe funny."

And then..I completely talk myself out of writing ANYTHING to you at all.

Which keeps you out of the loop.

And makes me frustrated because I have SO much to say. So many interesting things to share. So many tragic and funny and absurd and urgent things to share.

So…I have declared a moratorium on PERFECTIONISM!

I will NOT be perfect in this blog. It is, after all, an ADDiva blog. It is a place to be fully Who I Am in the world. So…get ready world. Here I come with all my warts and silliness.

Right NOW!

Hugs

Help for Piper

Posted on October 16, 2009 by Linda

One of our ADDiva sisters is in need tonight:

Message from Kim

My sweet wonderful 6 y/o RESCUE poodle-mix, Piper,
has just been diagnosed with several conditions that are causing him significant pain.
So far it’s knee issues in both knees (patella something), degenerative arthritis/hip dysplasia in both hips and probably the thing that is causing all the pain is the disc problem – four discs are implicated so far. But the vet thinks the situation can be managed with proper treatment.

Two weeks ago, and four days after his diagnosis, his sister, my terrier-mix rescue pup, had to be put down after a valiant and expensive fight with kidney disease.

I had a fund for dog care set aside but never in a million years did I think both dogs could get this sick and require this much care so close together. I want to get Piper the right diagnosis and treatment and have the best life possible with him. He is a sweet, gentle, and loving being. If you, or anyone you know, might be able to contribute to his care, it would be very much appreciated. Star Paws, the local rescue group, has volunteered to collect donations (see below).

THANK YOU FOR CONSIDERING HELPING PIPER OR FOR FORWARDING THIS ON TO OTHERS!!!

Kim [IF ANY QUESTIONS]
310-450-5733

Message from rescue organization

I APOPTED PIPER TO KIM 5 1/2 YEARS AGO.
….SHE HAS BEEN A GREAT PARENT NOW SHE NEEDS URGENT $$ CARE HELP…..
…..If you can NETWORK or SEND A DONATION ….it will be a LIFE SAVER. ….WE NEED TO WORK FAST BECAUSE HE IS IN SO MUCH PAIN DAILY!!!

SEND CHECK: STAR PAWS RESCUE :
333 WEST WASHINGTON BLVD #309
MARINA DEL REY, CA 90292

Saving Just ONE DOG Won’t Change the World…
But it Will Surely Change the World of that ONE DOG.

Please Give…So They Can Live!

www.starpawsrescue.com
STAR PAWS RESCUE
333 WEST WASHINGTON BLVD #309
MARINA DEL REY, CA 90292
310-289-5409
STARPAWSRESCUE@aol.com

Treadmill desk is perfect for ADD

Posted on January 2, 2009 by Linda

Now I walk while I work…on my own treadmill that has it’s own desk!

I got the idea from the Good Morning America show that aired a few months ago. A doctor at the Mayo Clinic created the treadmill desk for people who are on the computer a lot (like me) or on the phone (like me) or who write (like me). Problem was the darned thing cost $6000—whoa!

I knew I could do better than that, especially when I already have a little-used treadmill.

After a lot (a LOT) of research, I found a desk that works for me — the Walk N Work — and a flat screen monitor stand that goes in front of the treadmill so I can see it (laptop was too low) and a bookcase to hold all the rest of the stuff…and I am golden!

I just shot some video of this solution and will post it soon…but know that I am quite proud of the whole thing and more importantly, I am using it!!! Too many of my good ideas go to waste because they aren’t really practical…just cool. So, watch out. I am planning to be a lot more fit, thin and healthy this time next year!

Walking and working is a GOOD thing for ADDivas!

My ADD handwriting sucks

Posted on June 16, 2007 by Linda

It happened again at the bank.

I wrote a deposit slip for $5,000 (it was for quarterly taxes, OK?).

The woman at the drive-through was quite pleasant as she processed the transaction. I thanked her and pulled forward, but before I left the parking lot, I glanced down at the receipt.

It read: $500

OMIGOD. That’s $4,500 less than I expected to go into the account. I’m pretty sure the IRS would not be amused by a bounced check.

I wheeled back into a parking space, grabbed the receipt and headed for the teller counter. She had the original check in her hand.

"I knew you’d be back!" she said gleefully. "It was your handwriting. I couldn’t read it," she added triumphantly. She adjusted the deposit and gave me a new receipt.

I was not triumphant. I was dejected, embarrassed and humiliated. Again.

My handwriting…um…sucks.

Always has and apparently always will.

And yes, it’s an ADD thing. Darn it. It’s an ADD trait I sure could live without. Excuse me for complaining about something so trivial. But perhaps it’s not so trivial to have trouble communicating on paper.

I’m a big list maker – errands, groceries, To Do’s. Lists are a good thing for ADD — they capture all those creative and random thoughts in one place.

Problem is that five minutes after I write them, I can’t read them. My husband (who apparently has a secret decoder ring) actually translates my own lists back to me!

Before debit cards were a fact of life, I was called on the carpet by sassy checkout clerks who insisted "The bank won’t be able to read this and I’m not going to be responsible for it!" I wanted to deck her and/or melt into the floor to avoid the sneers of the 1o people in line behind me.

Remember how good old Emily Post made that stupid rule about writing thank you notes with a pen and paper? Clearly she didn’t have a trace of ADD in her brain cells.

One of my friends (lovingly) says that she enjoys getting letters from me because every time she reads them, they take on new meaning (OK, so I’m interesting).

Why do I continue to write sloppily (hate that word)?

I just don’t have good coordination between brain and fingers, I guess. Years ago, I was writing a check while the clerk watched me. Noticing my handwriting, she said, "Oh, you must write really fast." As I laboriously finished writing the check, she looked disapprovingly at me. "Well, I guess not…"

As if writing quickly made it acceptable for me to write illegibly, but writing slowly was no darned excuse.

I have no excuse, really. My thoughts come rapid-fire and my handwriting arrives on a slow boat to China.

I’ve tried printing instead of writing cursive but it’s so time consuming. I tried a digital recorder, but somebody has to transcribe all those digital messages (not me…too boring). I’ve used extra wide lined paper, unlined paper, steno pads, legal pads. Nothing changes my style.

All I can say is: thank god for debit cards (fewer checks) online banking (even fewer checks) and email (typing is good for the soul). Technology has allowed me to communicate in a way I would never have been able to manage otherwise.

Just be thankful you aren’t reading this blog in my handwriting. Victor’s got the decoder ring this week.