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Should you stop taking your Adderall or Vyvanse or Dexadrine now that you've heard Dr. Tracy Ware's presentation about the potential dangers of amphetamines? Maybe yes. Maybe no.

I just got off the phone with a woman (let's call her "Maggie") who recently started taking Vyvanse with great success. No side effects and improved attention, etc. After she listened to Tracy's presentation, she was unnerved by the possibility of brain damage with amphetamines so she switched medications (to a second tier ADHD drug). Maggie's been in a downward spiral ever since. Missed appointments, foggy brain, battered self esteem. Nothing we aspire to, right?

So why didn't she immediately stop the new meds and go back to Vyvanse? I suspect she called me for a reality check on whether I believed amphetamines really killed off brain cells. And I do. I told Maggie that many medications have potentially serious consequences: high blood pressure medication can cause sexual problems for men. The FDA reported today that taking a malaria drug could cause severe kidney damage and heart failure. There are unintended consequences to almost every choice we make.

But also I told her that returning to Vyvanse sounded like a good idea. I'm not a medical doctor so my opinion is worth about what you pay for it – $0. But it makes eminent sense to me to stick with something that works versus flailing around trying to save your brain cells. And yes, I DO understand that salvaging brain cells is an important goal, but the jury is still out on whether those cells will regenerate or not. There is a LOT we don't know yet about the brain and how it repairs itself.

Even more important, there is a quality of life issue here.  We ADD women have been through a lot of stuff (OK, sh**t) in our lives. Finding a medication that actually works to bolster our time management, organization, sense of well being, is a godsend.

We shouldn't stop exercising because we might pull a hamstring or sprain an ankle. And we shouldn't stop taking our amphetamine medication because someone told us there is potential for cell death. For heavens sake do NOT stop taking medication without telling your doctor! Those consequences could be even more dire than continuing the meds!

Anyway, Dr. Ware doesn't shun amphetamines; she prescribes them for her patients who need them. That includes those of us who don't see much improvement with Ritalin-family meds (like Tracy's own husband!).

The fact that I stopped taking my Adderall was more about looking at the factors that were causing me to feel out of control and a bit crazed. Sure there is a lot going on in my life. There is ALWAYS a lot going on in my life. And changing one thing at a time, to see the effects, is the way I can narrow down the cause of the problem, and then find my way back to a solution.

I don't know about you, but I want to feel alive every day. I want to feel good about myself and productive. I want to feel proud of myself and I'd like the people I love to be proud of me, too. It's not too much to ask of an ADD life. I know. I've lived it. And I'm going back there.

That means I will probably go back to Adderall. Not sure yet. Working on it. But if I do return to amphetamine medication, it will be MY truth about stimulants. Not Tracy's. Not Maggie's (Vyvanse is awful for me, BTW). Not Susan's or Ellen's or Mary's. Mine.

You need to find YOUR truth about stimulant medication. Yes. No. Maybe. Sometimes. Alternatives. Rotating. It's all part of the mix. If there is one thing I have learned about ADHD it's that it is literally a different experience for everyone. Personalized treatment..that's where we're headed, according to another psychiatrist who visited our Meetup group last night.

Work with your doctor, monitor your symptoms, get reaction from your loved ones. Find your OWN truth and then, make peace with it. None of us are gonna get out of this alive. Something, somewhere, sometime when we least expect it and probably don't want it, will cause our bodies to shut down and we'll bid farewell to the mortal coil.

So how do you want to live your life in the meantime? At my retreats I always read a poem by Mary Oliver that ends with this line: "Tell me, what is you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?"

You alone have the answer. For all of it.

Is it just me or is the world more moody these days?

Oh yeah. It's me.

I don't know what's going on with me and have been reluctant to share it with you since I try hard to stay upbeat. But darn it, I just can't seem to get it together right now. I forget things. I snap at people I love. I overreact.

I suppose you could point to my Adderall "vacation" as the cause, but it was happening even before that. In fact, that was one of the reasons I actually TOOK a vacation from stimulants (helped along by new information from Tracy Ware).

I just don't feel like "me" right now. Everything seems to bring out the worst in me. I am not happy with this person I have reverted to (yes there was a dark time that I was this person almost all the time – yuck).

In between, I managed to turn a big corner: I was in touch with my own wisdom. I could trust my intuition (and did). And now it's like a delicious dream from which I have awakened. I want to go back to sleep again. I want the "good Linda" back again (sigh).

Well, what's the lesson here? That life isn't all a bowl of cherries? That I don't have it all "together?" That it's pretty normal to ebb and flow with moods and wisdom and intuition and the rest of it? Probably.

What I do know is that it will return – that elusive sense of well being. I know it. I've tasted it, lived it, steeped in it. And I will again. But right now, I just wanna crawl into a little ball and cry. I might just do it. Tears are cathartic for me.

Oh, wait, I have to go to a birthday party in 10 minutes!. Maybe the storm can wait a bit,,, Pictures from the Big Birthday coming up next.

Can I actually have a granddaughter that will be one year old on Tuesday? How did I get this old? How did SHE get this old? And so quickly, too. We leave in the morning for Ohio. Taking along the puppy I am fostering for Triangle Sheltie Rescue.

The puppy has been a little ray of sunshine in my life, except for the erratic accidents on my throw rugs. I have never washed so many rugs in my life!

It's been 15 years since I have raised a puppy. And it's been 30 years since I had a baby in my house. It's different. Maybe serendipitous that both happened about the same time.

Lilly is such a happy little girl. Her smiles light up the world.

The puppy (whom we temporarily names Milli because she is so tiny like a millimeter or a millisecond) lights up other people's worlds. They adore how sweet she is when I take her out on a walk or to PetSmart.

A bit nervous about heading into my ex-husband's "territory." It was after we moved to Ohio (yeah, like two days after we moved!) that he asked for a divorce. It wasn't pretty. And it wasn't the first time he'd done it either. Yep, we got married and divorced twice. The second time worked. We found better matches elsewhere.

But when you have kids, divorce doesn't mean "I'll never see you again." It may mean "I don't WANT to see you," but the first grandbaby … well, all that old stuff  disappears temporarily. At least I hope so.

Anyway, I am sitting here letting my hair get back to its original color (OK I know I am not supposed to say that out loud) while the puppy sleeps and I catch up on a few blog posts.

Back on Wednesday – wish me luck with the puppy, the ex, the baby and the rest of the relatives!

Well, it's time for an update, especially after Dr. Tracy Ware's presentation to the ADDiva Connection last night.

My report first:

Honestly, I didn't think I would be so lethargic without Adderall. I thought I was an AD BIG H D kind of gal. You know, the hyperactive type. Maybe I'm inattentive after all !

I swear I can't remember anything. I went to the bank on Friday to deposit some checks and drop off some info to my friendly "relationship banker." Got to the bank (a 20-minute one-way trip) and reached for the package and checks – nope. Left them in the kitchen right next to my purse (which I picked up and ran out the door). I was SO mad at myself.

So on Saturday, Victor and I headed back to the bank, sans package (RBC isn't open on Saturday in Durham). Do you know that I forgot those checks AGAIN? I actually pulled up to the ATM, got an envelope and THEN remembered that I had, uh, forgotten. I was angry TWICE at myself (but trying to be forgiving … after all, I am an ADDiva who celebrates this kind of forgetfulness, right?).

Was is the lack of Adderall? Maybe. Maybe not. But I sure am spacey. I can't get anything done. Or even started. Maybe I need a little "push" in my brain to keep me on track. Or even to FIND the track in the first place.

I am surprised. A bit dismayed. And drinking iced tea to stay awake to write this.

Is ANYTHING simple? Are there real solutions? (sigh) I wish I knew….

OK, it's been three weeks since my last Adderall and I am reporting on the effects (or lack of them).

For the first few days, I found myself on autopilot, reaching for the pill case that contained my little blue "energy pills." But I steeled myself against taking them and let the ride wind down. I thought after a week, I'd evaluate my energy and focus, then decide whether to resume my meds…or not.

Well, Tracy Ware, the psychiatrist who spoke at the Meetup group two days after I stopped taking Adderall, scared the beejeezus out of me – her warnings about neurotoxicity seemed to be based in science. And I don't want fewer Dopamine receptor sites – I want MORE. Now the jury is still out on the overall effects of amphetamines, but why tempt fate?

Tracy told me privately that the Adderall would stay in my system for at least a month. A MONTH? She said that the second week would likely be worse than the first week. Hmmm .. this sounded a lot like detox, right? I didn't think of myself as an addict. Not ever. This was prescription medication. And I took only a tiny amount (max 2-3 pills a day of short acting 10 mg brand name Adderall).

But sure enough, the second week, I was draggy and had a hard time staying alert. Mostly, I was sleepy.

I found that if I got enough sleep at night (or with naps during the day), I was OK. But if I stayed up too late, got up too early or shorted my required 8 hours of sleep in some other way, I was blah. Just blah.

Couldn't get things done. Couldn't get motivated. Couldn't get going.

But here's the strange thing: I have been living in a mess in my bonus room/guest room for two years now. I am not proud of it. I am terribly embarrassed by it. But it's true.

Last week (third week off Adderall), I got the darned room cleaned up. Granted, I had motivation (my kids were coming to spend the weekend with darling little Lilly). And I had help (Erica the super organizer came on Thursday morning and Janine the super housekeeper cleaned the rest of the house).

But I've had help before.
I've had motivation before.
But this is the first time I actually DID something about it.

Not only did we get the room cleaned, I bought a new bed, new curtains, new lamps and redecorated the room with a new duvet cover, pillows, mirrors and ceiling fan before they arrived! (Yes I had someone install the fan and hang the mirrors – is that cheating? Nope).

Point is that I am still tired/sleepy, but I seem to be getting things done anyway.
I am clearer about what I want and need done.
And I am pretty happy about it.

Is this an aberration?
Is it related to the absent Adderall?

Not a clue, have I.

But we're gonna find out.
In 10 days, I am going to go back on Adderall and monitor myself closely to see how I feel, what I accomplish and how my loved ones respond to the difference (if there is a difference).

In the meantime, I am taking more naps, trying to get to bed on time (what IS on time anyway?) and working in my garden for the first time in months.

Neurotoxicity?

Permanent brain damage?

Hmm. That's not what I wanted to hear about my Adderall prescription. But stimulant medication may be causing more problems than solving them, according to Dr. Tracy Ware, a board certified psychiatrist from Chapel Hill who was this month's guest speaker at the Adult ADHD Meetup group held at GardenSpirit.

Research shows that even long term use of methylphenidate  (Ritalin and its ilk) is safe but taking amphetamines is a quite different story. Dr. Ware showed convincing evidence that amphetamines like Adderall, Dexadrine and Vyvanse induce an artificial "hyperfocus" by increasing the availability of dopamine (neurotransmitter) in the brain.

It mimics the "flight or fight" response that evolved to protect us from woolly mammoths (of old) and muggers (of late). In other words, everything that is non-essential to survival either shuts down or shifts focus. Our peripheral vision narrows (to better focus on the danger), our heart rate increases (to better escape the enemy) and our focus pinpoints precisely the object in front of us.

There are obvious advantages to this hyperfocused state – we pay attention to every detail that might save our lives. But for ADHD, hyperfocus is an overresponse to force our wandering brains to PAY ATTENTION, DANG IT!

I'll share more of Dr. Ware's info in a later post but, I wanted to come clean first:  I stopped taking my Adderall. Not as a direct result of her presentation, but a few days before the Meetup gathering.

I was in a terrible place when I returned from Chicago, the ADHD Coaches Organization conference and a visit with my family in central Illinois. I don't know what happened but I felt so out of control with everything that I needed to stop and regroup.

For some reason, it made sense to me to stop taking medications that were "optional." I have taken Adderall on a regular basis for only 18 months, so that went first. My Wellbutrin, which has been my main ADHD medication for years, stayed on board.

It's been three weeks now and … oh, I think I'll make this another post. It will get waaaay too long to read …. join me in the next post: "Three Weeks without Adderall."

It's Monday night and I'm still sniffing — cried a lot after huge fight with the internet, my (forner) webinar service and an embarrassingly public admission of "I'm just not really that together after all." Darn it.

Sometimes, when I least expect it, I fall apart. It's awful to let people see my soft underbelly (although frankly as I get older, it's been getting softer anyway!). But you know what I mean — there's a part of me that wants to have all the right answers, lots of confidence and boundless energy.

And then it gives out. Big time. Like tonight. When everything falls apart and I know it's all a huge fantasy. I am humiliated in front of the very people I care about most … the ADDivas of this world. I cried. In frustration. And anger. And hopelessness. Things look bleak.

But actually, there was more to it than just a screwy webinar. Let me back up a bit. Actually, let me complain a little, OK?

It starts with GardenSpirit, my women's retreat house in North Carolina. The house sits kitty-corner behind my house and has been the manifestation of my dream – to create a place for women to congregate, come home to their deepest, truest selves and regain a sense of connection to the world, the universe, divinity.

With Victor's financial backing and 100% enthusiasm, we bought the property in 2006, renovated it to a quite feminine level (lots of purple) and opened for the first retreat for New Year's 2007.

I had done a bit of research about retreats and learned that, in NC, a retreat center would be considered a "summer camp." Ack, that sounded like a bunch of kids running around, making lots of noise. Not my intention — I wanted a spiritual renewal retreat for adults women. But if the neighbors heard that I was running a "summer camp" there, they'd probably kill me…or get me shut down.

Well, last year, through a simple fluke, I got shut down anyway, The county planning department and then the health department said "cease and desist." So I haven't had any retreats there in more than a year. I have had people stay who didn't pay anything (which you can do with a private home — why not?) and I have meetings for our adult support group – also without paying. But no retreats for couples or women or ADDivas.

Before we could start jumping through all those governmental hoops, we needed to buy the vacant lot that adjoined GardenSpirit. Part of the driveway was actually on THAT property. So we negotiated a fair price and bought the property in October of last year.

Then it was time to plow through the reams of rules and regulations that came along with becoming an official retreat center. Fortunately, my house is in a planning zone that allows for a retreat house/conference center. But that was the only good newsFor instance, the hot tub on the back deck — the absolute first thing I bought for the retreat house – is now considered a swimming pool. It has to be fenced with fencing that is at least 48 inches tall and with a five foot high locking gate that opens only to the outside. The spacing between the rails (or whatever you call those upright things) can be no more than 4 inches — the inspector actually uses a ball that is 4 inches in diameter to determine whether your fence meets the standards … or not.

Are you getting a sense of how frustrating this is for my ADD brain?????

Anyway, things in the South sometimes move at the speed of molasses. The land surveyor I hired spent five months on a 2 week job, slowing down the entire process to a crawl. Then the engineer I hired refused to call me back, even though he claimed he would call me "at 1 pm." After 9 weeks of waiting, I fired him without even seeing him. Who knows where that guy is or what he's doing….

I hired someone else, who actually jumped in and WORKED. But he read the rules even more strictly than I did…and planned a huge ugly circular driveway to accommodate the fire engines — which apparently do not like to make a three-point turn in the old driveway. ACK.. there goes my garden ambiance. Fortunately, the Fire Marshall disagreed and we were able to save some trees.

Now I am up in the air with the architect who wants to put a 40 foot ramp in the front of the house to accommodate a wheelchair…or to lower the entire second level. This sounds soooo expensive I may never be able to open GardenSpirit again.

Are you getting a sense of how depressing this is for my ADD brain?

Then, a home inspector-turned-energy-consultant found mold in the basement of MY house. That's where my office is, by the way. We've fought this problem for years, but didn't know how bad the problem was until he yanked the drywall off the basement walls…it's bad.

The fix? Dig out all my plants, tear out the dirt to a depth of 10 feet (about 8 feet wide, which destroys my entire landscaped yard) and re-waterproof the exterior walls of my house.

Are you getting a sense of how expensive this is going to be?

Oh, I can't go on like this. You don't need to know all this stuff. You don't need to know that the new web editor of ADDitude magazine is driving me wild by demanding that I "pitch" blog ideas to her as if I was writing for a news magazine that pays $1000 per story (ha!). Or that I forgot to book an airline ticket for my amazing and patient husband when we went to the ACO conference last weekend. Or that I confused I-90 with 190 near O'Hare Airport last night, ended up on a toll road that required exact change of 80 cents and the only change I had was three quarters. Or that I started to get online for tonight's ADDiva coaching call and found out that my mom's computer didn't have an ethernet cable, so I had to run to Staples 10 minute before the webinar started???

Are you getting a sense that my life is "out of control" as they say in 12-step meetings??

I want to keep it together. I want to be a model ADDiva. But right now, it's just not happening. Big sigh.

Maybe things will look different in the morning. But first, I have to sort out all the stuff I brought home from the conference, which is now scattered all over my dad's bedroom floor – which he vacated so I could visit.

Whew… this sounds more like whining than answers, doesn't it. And maybe that's what you get after a week like this…not inspiration, but perspiration. And I AM letting you see me sweat…

Watch CBS News Videos Online

Last night's broadcast of 60 Minutes (CBS) confirmed my worst nightmares: that ADHD meds will become so popular they will be treated as "brain candy" instead of as a medical necessity for people with brains like ours.

College students agreed that pill popping is rampant on campus, especially with  stimulants like Adderall and Ritalin. They take them to stay up late studying; they take them to finish papers; they take them to focus on tests.

Apparently the stimulants are prescribed for truck drivers who are on the road for hours; and even doctors who work double shifts. But hey, back in my college days, didn't we do the same thing? Except the drug of choice then was No-Doz, 200 mg of caffeine concentrated in little white pills.

I went online to see if NoDoz was still around. Yep, it's still sold and it's a lot cheaper than Adderall or Ritalin. College students said Ritalin was selling for $3-$5 per pill. A bottle of 60 NoDoz costs only $9 online. Free shipping, too..

My fear is not that college students will get hooked on Adderall. My fear is that Adderall and its ilk will become so commonplace that their legitimacy as treatment for ADHD will be diminished, dismissed or even discarded.

The non-ADHD students interviewed by Katie Couric said they could focus better, they could read fine details even about uninteresting information. That's sure not what they do for the ADHD brain. I have clients who take their ADHD meds faithfully but still can't keep their attention on the chapter or the math problem or the To Do list. The pills help us pay attention; but sometimes we veer off into worlds of focus that have nothing to do with the original task.

So, let's be clear here. Just because everybody can take stimulants and gain some focus, it doesn't mean that ADHD isn't a valid diagnosis. We're out here. We still need our meds. And even if we forget to take a few each month, we shouldn't be sharing them (and especially not selling them) to all of the rest of you out there.

I guess it makes the drug companies happy. I guess students are happy and perhaps their professors.

I'm not so happy.